Twin Peaks Restaurants and its miserable food selection

There’s no denying that food is an integral theme to David Lynch’s television series Twin Peaks. The Double R Diner plays an important role as the town’s meeting place while also showcasing the show’s trademark faire: cherry pie and coffee. (Special Agent Dale Cooper’s love for this delicious combination even sparked a cherry pie crazy when the show aired.) Donuts are also another routine morning ritual the series employs — a sweet comfort that helps levy Twin Peaks‘ inherent darkness. The brie and butter sandwiches Jerry and Ben Horne savagely devour in an early scene and the close-ups of the revolting hospital mush further highlight Lynch’s love and hate for cuisine.

So, when I hear there’s a Southwestern chain called Twin Peaks Restaurant’s, my interest is piqued at what the menu would include. Those seemingly delicious brie and butter sammiches? Jelly oozing donuts? The mystic creamed corn? Fish-spiked coffee? Maybe not that last one. But just think about what that menu could offer! Alas, my hopes were crushed. It seems the chain isn’t a Lynchian diner, but instead a lumberjack-themed Hooters. Which is fine, because, as you all know, what the world needs are more Hooters and witty double entendres like this place offering up “scenic views.” Get it? I’m pretty sure they ain’t talking about the landscape. Or maybe they are! These tagline’s write themselves, guys! But before I get lost in anyone’s, um, landscape, let’s get down to business. Here are some menu suggestions to the Twin Peaks’ owners on how to not have their menu suck:

Diane. 11:30 a.m., February Twenty-fourth. Entering the town of Twin Peaks, five miles south of the Canadian border, twelve miles west of the state line. Lunch was, uh, six dollars and thirty-one cents at the Lamplighter Inn, that's on Highway Two near Lewis Fork. Damn good food.

The Special Agent Dale Cooper French Fries

The series’ defining character deserves a spot on every entree — a meal wouldn’t feel right without him. (Just take the Fire Walk With Me Sampler, which downplays the fries for a smattering of other little bites and convolutes the platter.) Don’t even ask for the cryptic Diane Sauce to go with the Cooper Fries; it’s constantly ordered, but never actually makes it on the plate.

Cherry Pie and Coffee

A no-brainer. Coffee only served “black as midnight on a moonless night.”

The Roadhouse Burger

They practically already have this item on the menu. It just needs a little name change. Why not after the late-night hang-out of both the town’s youths and adults?Don’t forget to order it “red. Wrapped in bacon.”

Brie and Butter Sandwiches

Ben and Jerry Horne just made them seem so damn delicious.

The Black Lodge

Because nothing’s more evil than chocolate, this dish is a glorified devil food’s cake that’s fenced around with red graham crackers.

And in terms of private parties, how about something like this:

Are we having fun yet?

I know ya’ll are rushing to apply here right away, but I have to warn you that the position isn’t for everyone. Just read this question from the application, “In pounds, what is the biggest fish you ever caught?” Obviously, only big fish catching women need apply. There’s no doubt that’s a secret question asking how nice your landscape is.


2 responses to “Twin Peaks Restaurants and its miserable food selection

  1. Maybe Instead of having restaurants named after tv shows we could have tv shows named after restaurants (i.e. Mars Cheese Castle)

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